I should not blog when I am feeling very tantrumatic (?). Else my entries will be so angsty, it'll probably end up in the New Paper for being controversial, whatev.

One thousand and one confusing thoughts. Untangle this messy web inside. I do not know what went wrong but. Sigh. Tell me if you hate me so I wouldn't be bothering anymore. That absolute question that I asked myself. Let me rethink so I would expect better. I did not. I am dumb.

This entry is senseless. Well, maybe that is the point of the entry.

Anyway, Sports Day today. And a day when it HAD to rain boys&girls. Rach Huiqi and I were just monkeying around. Some of the runners were lightning. It rained boys&girsl thus it was cancelled/postponed? I don't know. We (and Alvin) just sat at the cafe taidee-ing and laughing our freezing butts off. Jokes from Pamela Anderson (fake) boobs to Huiqi's deteriorating hearing. Sad we didn't get to play tennis earlier. Next time can?

I need verbal therapy. But naught knows the kind of fucken situation I am in. Such a hair-tearing thing. =(

I badly want out. Detached from. Everything else especially you. Will you be standing by?

ofblack&white
9:46 PM

Mmm. Rain. I like rain. I like it when it rains when I am in school. I love it when it rains when I am at home. I HATE IT when it rains when I'm outside home or school. Lol. I waited like some lost creature of Mars under the void deck of some Godforsaken HDB flat for nearly an hour. Just so that the rain would recede. Thank God there's Michelle Tan Yanling to fill my empty hours. <3

I don't know what to say. What do I always drone on about. Oh. School. Well that being the Sun in my life =.= I am being called a monkey. Do I look like one? Certainly not! Lol. A towel is a must for PE now. The weather is tremendously humid. I PERSPIRE (glares at some particular person) like nobody's business. And I usually feel so cold in the lecture theatres, I swear I am shrinking.

All about roasting rabbits. Talking to Yanling was a funny affair. :) She allowed her rabbits to drown in the rain while she was warm and snuggly at home! Haha! So in the end, heeding my (wise) suggestion her rabbits were kept in the extended part of the kitchen, running and jumping like... rabbits. Lol. Sad she doesn't have any fireplace, else she can keep them warm. And since she's at it why not roast them? And if she keep it in some airconditioned room, might as well let them freeze in the fridge. So we can roast them tomorrow. How nice.

There is something that is telling me that we both yearn yet we do not dare to surface it. Do not play games ok? We shall see how it progresses.

In the meantime, I am thinking of getting Michelle Tan a dwarf rabbit. Where are they sold?
<3

ofblack&white
5:41 PM

Tired. But I need to clarify some thoughts in my head.

I do not know why loyalty is splitting. I'm wedged again in the middle; I don't know who to side. Why am I presented with this dilemma? I am being too nice. To tell off or to not. I should not symphatise. Yet I should not follow the crowd.

Walking down memory lane with Mazni. Time flies doesn't it? Haha. Walks in the rain; shivering time at KFC. Peanut butter M&Ms. How fast. And now she is taking her O levels at the end of the year already. My girl is having some trivial yet complex problem as I am. We shall beat them yes?

<3

ofblack&white
8:46 PM

There's this sudden urge to jump on my seat and start studying but hey. The body overpowered the mind. But I shall do that soon anyway. it's time to sit down and start hitting the 4-inch dust-covered books.

Ah. Why are men so obnoxious, so full of it. Just like the one in the house.

I wonder why am I studying so hard. It is crappy. 3/4 of me said it is such a fucken waste of time. 1/4 of me persist me to mug. Why? I do not see the point. The future yes I know. But. Sigh. Need I think further? Lol.

Two. I love that number. Two. One is to beat both of them. Two; it's to prove to myself that I, the certified couch potato, can actually do it if I try. If I work towards it.

To beat you. That's the only thing in my mind.

ofblack&white
7:15 PM

I'm not exactly wild about contacts, but I was forced to get it and even chastised for destroying my spectacles during trainings. Right. It didn't itch or anything actually. Maybe since it is dailies.

Mr Teng killed us with non-stop skipping. And to think I once love it. Sigh. He always spoils good sporting memories. School was cold-ish. What a day to start the week; with rain. I thank God for creating friends like Mayyee to fold my umbrella. I have no inkling whatsoever in going about doing that. Rachel was so LOUD in the library, it sent Huiqi to hysterics. I don't know, both seemed weird enough.

History quiz to worry about tomorrow. Aaahh. It is time to mug like an ass right now.
<3

ofblack&white
5:42 PM

Aaah... I stepped on homeship twenty minutes ago. It dragged on till 11.40p.m. So tiring. I spent the day finishing up my presentation and such. Then we rushed to Serangoon, Dzul&Co residence. Aunty Ling made a great fruit cocktail cake. Then flew back to Kembangan area.

The whole day went with you inside every thought. It sickens me to be so fucken emo. Hahaha... But as usual I could not stop myself, neither could anyone, or anything.

Since he gave me the go ahead, I think Matin is akin to the women's period. And, ladies&gents it is already proven. =D
Girls that was with him have moodswings all the time. Why? Because of PMS. Pre-Matin Syndrome and Post-Matin Syndrome. When the girl was not with Matin yet she will feel that heartsick puppy love thousands-of-butterfly-in-her-stomach thing, Yet, after they are with Matin they will feel sicken, yet again, because of their stupidity to actually BE with him. And while they ARE with him, they will feel irritated. Thus adding to moodswings.

Isn't it like the women's period? Hahaha... And soon after they will know of their bad bad choice (unlike your own opinion of you being the best choice puh-leese).

Lol. That coming from one of your 2 best girls. Wait till the other starts. You'll be insulted like never before.

I'm feeling... bleurgh. Ate too much I reckon. Better sleep soon. =)

ofblack&white
12:18 AM

Wow. My legs are... wobbly (wobble wobble).

My mind suddenly emptied itself when I wanted to start typing. o.o Oh. I've gotten the Perdayu t-shirt. It is pretty. School was school if you have to ask. Nothing new. Oh. I've tried out the Marlow Tilt and it worked. I finished my History readings finally. Now to start on Nationalism. Ah. Everyone is studying like mad hatters and that is irritatingly pressuring.

I irritated Zhong like anything today. So fun.

"Oooh... Your mind is so empty, the vind can vhistle through. Vow!" Hahaha... I find that dumbly funny. I find "selective hearing" funny. I especially find it funny when Edwin sleeps in Math lecture. Mayyee Lor and I were having fits of laughter. And Mayyee continued on and on and on and on.

My hair is disgustingly short. I was tempted to hack away the fringe because it gets into my eyes. Aaah. Now I look like some snivelling kid.

Alright. My Time's Style&Design is here! Now to look at pretty things.

Good night. Reckon be knocking off at 9.30? Lol. <3

ofblack&white
8:12 PM

Wow. SRJC sure know how to get their population cranky. Buzz about the new timetable. It was just as sucky as any maggot could be. I actually end later for 3 days. Imagine. 3 days. Gosh you could hear them rant a mile away. Oh well. Come what may?

We had 2.4km run. I was pretty amazed I was not left panting like a St Bernard. But man. Ms Rivera killed us with her arm exercises and that jump-over-the-crocodile thing. My calf muscles cried. RR quiz was the pits. I only knew some questions. Definitely not enough to guarantee me a pass. RR essay test this Tuesday too. THE PITS.

That I lost a very close friend. It is sad. Really very sad. Can I get you back? Such senseless rethorical question. Of course you won't.

And when she falls out of the sky
He'll be standing by...

ofblack&white
9:49 PM

We've gotten 21 (hopefully promising) J1s for recruitment. Round of applause for us! Lol. Went Heartland and Fana gotten a nice present for Avi. It is a pretty cap i must say. Ah. And she was too nice to buy me a new deck (hugs her tight). Some commotion at the shop. Interesting show. Lol. I toured her around school, and she finally got to sight. :) I was happy someone got to know. Not that anyone else would.

Kat bullied me with her basketball skills. Stop showing off can. >.<

Greedy enough to be labelled a thief.

ofblack&white
6:51 PM

I just died yesterday. PE was akin to living hell. Madness I tell you. My stomach felt... as jumbled as the rubix cube. I was on puking-mode. Had meeting and boy it just have to stretch till 11. Left exhausted, but obviously not exhausted enough to not make a birthday card for Mr Tan Toh Hwee. He is getting old!

So done for. Aching body and lack of sleep. Haha... I'm bound to be cranky anytime soon. Must control. I am in the Accomodation committee for the Pre-U seminar thing. I don't even have a clue what it's for actually. LOL.

Take all of me. The desire. That keep burning deep inside. Cast them all away. Help to give me strength, to face another day.

I am meeting Fana tomorrow. :) Hope I can give her a tour around. And let her see. =D
I need to complete my AQ and History readings. They are screaming "Do me!" as I type. Sigh. I swear I could melt in my bed right now... <3

ofblack&white
6:31 PM

Aaah. For the first time in many many uncountable days I woke up at 11 in the weekends. Had a thumping headache because of that. Now I know why I hate to wake up late.

Fana came over yesterday to study with my bro (grins). Oh well. they'll be taking D-Funds supp paper tomorrow so best of luck you two. She stayed till 7.30pm. Had dinner with us. My internet connection got horrible cranky. I cleared my Economics yesterday and finally done my Math online quiz today. 18/20! Woo. I'm trying for full marks later.

The urge to eat Cadbury milk was killing me so I rushed down to get a big square of it. Sue me. 4.60$ gone just like that. =.= I've done my "Excuse My Onomatopoeia" worksheet. I find it terribly interesting. :)

AQ to go and I'm done. Yay. I love Hikki for helping me with the Soundtracks on Friday. <3 Matin better study hard for his block test man.

ofblack&white
2:18 PM

Cats are simply love. Heavenly love. So cute. Adorable. How I love their every action. They look absolutely smexy just by standing by. The curves of their body. The furry furry paws. Haha. Especially when its a kitten, with its oh-so-adorable face framed by a pair of extra large ears.

Nevermind. Oh. I forgot what to say. What do you think your guardian should do when you're in pain? Make me smile. My guardian did just nothing. And to think... Lol.

Ohwell. Went over Grandma's today. Been such a while since I've seen my grandparents. Talked alot with them. And usually (especially now since I am in need of financial assistance), I would accept money whenever it comes but I never like to take it from my Grandma. It's as if... I visited her for a superficial purpose (which isn't the case please). Sigh. I hope I would be working fast enough to repay her.

Tired of typing. Be back soon. I took off my braces by the way and it felt WEIRD. =D

ofblack&white
11:18 PM

6.50$ at least went into lunch. 1.50$ was spent on a much-needed Cadbury. A dollar wasted on bubble tea. This is only food, I haven't start on non-perishables.

Aah... I am so financially deprived. I did not even believe I could be this... short of money. The world should not move so fast. It seemed like yesterday when I used to treat my friends out for lunch.

Time to move on. Detaching myself. Study and mug. Play soccer like there's no tomorrow (wish I could spend like there's no tomorrow but I do not have enough dough to do that).

Be proud and lets move on shall we? :)

ofblack&white
5:47 PM

I spent my day with company but it doesn't seem to work. The trauma seems to linger, and in my mind it lurked. As much as I talk, as much as I walk, nothing seemed to work. I knew I should see it coming. Shit, I'm such a berk. I badly need to breathe the words, but nothing seemed to work. I know I should be seeing light, instead I'm left in murk. I thought music would be distraction, but nothing seemed to work. Instead it brought me closer, driving me berserk.

Aah... Nothing like emotional dispair to bring on such inspiration to craft poetry in minutes. What if I'm like this everyday? I'd surpass William Blake anytime. Lol. The thought of it. Hahaha...

I need. Like a drug. Heal me. Come. I saw that name, and my stomach just twist and turn, it's a wonder I didn't choke on my food.

ofblack&white
9:23 PM

That was all that I could do. I felt so pathetic.

That was all I could do. To run into Amanda, and cry my heart out.

That was all that I could do. What am I? Plain pathetic. Shoot myself.

All I could do, was nothing. To sit by and watch; see my everything being taken away from me, infront of my very eyes. Taken away. To laugh or cry at my stupidity I do not know. I'll bet though, I'll be bawling my eyes out again at night.

So pathetic.

ofblack&white
10:42 PM

My Lovely Samsoon/My Name Is Kim Sam Soon is one helluva series. Lol. Hilarious, yet, sappy. Oh well. You know the Koreans and their love for sad shows. This is exceptionally nice and cute. For one thing the protagonist isn't any fairy-taled-princess kind. Hrm. Plump, vulgar and simple. Different than usual, but it is nice!! Especially the soundtracks.

Gaah I blew my top yesterday. I know I should not have but I still do not regret doing so. Excuse the profanities splayed all over the last post.

School tomorrow. Plan to run for a bit, get the fresh air into my shrivelled lungs. My knee still twitched since past Friday, and i wonder if it's got anything to do with my retarded hamstrings which I've pulled. My calves still ache like nobody's business thank you. I have yet to accompany Qis to the Apple Centre, I have yet to call Michlove. Have I been neglecting friends?

Isolation haunted me. Desperation called me. Mutilation healed me. Love killed me.

ofblack&white
10:04 PM

School and NUS. It was ok. I am motivated to go NUS. Blah. Met many. Old Roy and Joanne from SA, Osha and gang, saw Jin, Dennis too. And Mab, and some SRJCians; Wy, Tabby and gang, Amira and friends. Somewhat like a major reunion. FASS. My aim.

I am fairly (more like very) ticked off/miffed by some considerate and responsible friends, who apparently backed out in the last minute to follow me and Naz to NUS. For fuck's sake, even so tell me earlier can? So I can call in my other friends and have more fun rather than you around, pissing the shit out of me. And there was not even a decent sorry. Ha.

Fucking hell. I hate being stood up at the last minute fuck you very much. >.<

ofblack&white
5:49 PM

4-0 loss. Yep. But I am satisfied. =D I am so high and happy because everybody did SO well. Everybody showed true determination. I cannot be more prouder of the girls. Maybe the mistake was mine. i was given so many opportunities to score, but they flew by like time.

THE GIRLS WERE GREAT. XD

So the day was spent with me groggily attending lessons. Muesli bars do help to stiffle the yawns. We watched Crash in GP, and we would be finish it on Friday. Crude, lewd. But it outlined discrimination that is so rampant in such a developed country like the US. Aah. The ITR froze me.

i whiled my time away outside library after school, but later on I was dragged to Kovan by Rach Jiamin and Alvin. We went a-bowling. =) But best of all Rach treat me,. I am touched. And Jiamin treated me to OCK. Why are they suddenly so nice? Lol. Bowling is love. I got a 101. And Alvin just had to beat me. Irritating! Lol. Shall be better next time.

The match left me high and aaah... I feel like jumping around. Zhong and Star shouldn't feel so bad... Everyone makes mistakes no?

Ok. History quiz tomorrow. Must study. I wonder if this optimism is short-lived. Lol.

ofblack&white
7:30 PM

I really hate GP comprehensions, and essays. Anything remotely language-y and i just... ARGH. I can't find the need to argue and balance essays and crap.

Anyway bitchy conscience bites, and I have never did this much homework before. Please don't make me into a nerd. Sigh.

Concentration study camp for the March holidays. Ironic isn't it? VJ tomorrow. I hope we can perform. I hope my nose won't give me problems. Aaah.

"SRJC all for you your GOAL is ours too." =.= So lame so lame...

ofblack&white
8:00 PM

Power nap. Slept from 1 till 3.40pm. Refreshed. I have a bad feeling, for my muscles felt tight, my throat became excessively itchy, and I'm feeling terribly warm. In short: FEVER. How! Must cure fast! There's training still tomorrow.

Anyway boredom kills.

ofblack&white
5:12 PM

Went to my paternal grandma for dinner. It was with wry amusement that I heard my grandma's crab on my dyed-hair-too-skimpily-dressed cousin. Well so what? I do not know why I feel irritable on my cousin's behalf when I rarely converse with her.

So anyway today was supposedly meet-the-parent session. For some reason or the other my dad did not go. Oh so tell me, is servicing the car more important than your daughter's results? I did not know if I should be grateful or sorely disappointed that none attend meet-the-parent. The last (and one of the very few) time they actually sat, listened to the principal, and talked to teachers was two years ago. >.< So should I be grateful that they would not be able to hear any tutor bitch about me, or sorely disappointed that I am casted away?

Oh well. Count your blessings they say.

It was not as if I am effete, or plain attention-seeking. Could someone show me that at least they care? Lol.

Nevermind. In a school where it was rarely efficacious, I'll just have to depend on myself to succeed for the A's. I have to be independent, yet I feel like a child constantly reaching out for support.

Gosh Ili, grow up will you.

ofblack&white
12:43 AM

I should apologise to the few in school for my slightly bad mood past days. Sorry.

Anyway it was frigging melting in the field. It looked charred. I told them I couldn't more black than black. I managed my tenkai palm during the 3.5 hour break. I was also chased out from the library for sleeping. So I went out, called for reinforcements lest I am attacked (Michlai and Wil), gather benches and zonked out. Refreshed. Math test was a moanandgroan affair.

Coach says that I could create magic with my feet. Got me motivated somehow. Yesterday's rantings over the phone with Fran/France was... nice. Anyway cast my troubles away.

Of what i couldn't have? I am still moping.

ofblack&white
7:23 PM

A word to describe everything; disappointing. Really disappointing. From someone who used to ace in my own language. I have failed myself. Sigh. A 5. From a 2 to a 5. The usual what-ifs settled in. Should I blame complacency? Maybe. Mat does not seemed too affected by his results. Oh well.

The surprise was rushy I suppose. Naz loved the bag. And the surprise was great. Sitting outside the library when suddenly people popped out of no where and sang a birthday song with a lighted cake.

No mood. What a day.

ofblack&white
7:30 PM